A New Level of Guilt

I have been battling a great deal of guilt since my diagnosis. Guilt about not being the wife and mother I should be because some days I am just too tired. Guilt about the lifestyle changes I am having to impose on my family (though many of them are good for their health too). Guilt about the financial burden that my medications and doctor copays are putting on our budget (never mind the hospital bills that are starting to arrive in the mail). Guilt about how my disease may affect the plans my husband and I had for the future. And now a new level of guilt -- grandbaby guilt.

I have two wonderful children who adore my husband and whom he adores. I love watching their relationships develop more and more each day. He is slowly getting used to coming to bed and finding them sprawled out on his side of the bed while we are reading and they are getting used to going directly to him to ask for something instead of using me as a mediator. I love to watch the three of them together. It makes my heart melt. But my husband and I had talked before we got married of having kids. My children's father is a very active part of their life and my husband realizes he will always be the "step-dad" and not "the dad". I think he really wants that opportunity to be "the dad". We just recently celebrated our 1st anniversary and probably would have started talking about getting pregnant soon. Until this. Now we have to take the time to treat the Nephritis and get my kidneys working better before we can even consider thinking about possibly contemplating having a discussion about getting pregnant. Even then, there is no guarantee that we will be able to try, and there is no guarantee we will be successful. My husband is wonderful. When I asked him one night if he was upset or angry about possibly not being able to get pregnant he said "no". My health was his concern and we were going to do nothing that would jeopardize that. We've got the punks, and the dog and the smelly cat and as long as I was around to enjoy it all with him, that was all that mattered. He makes my heart melt. But I still feel guilty that I may not be able to give him something that a year ago I promised him I would. Then yesterday came and a whole new level of guilt arrived. Our friends had their baby.

Mrs. F and my husband's family go way back to when they were kids. Mrs. F is like one of my MIL own kids. Whenever Mrs. F's niece and nephews would come for a visit, Mrs. F would always bring them over to my MIL's house (they live only two houses away from each other) to visit and play. You see, my MIL is dying for grandchildren. She wants grandchildren in the worst way and this has been no secret since my husband and I started dating. Her daughter and SIL have been married for many years but want absolutely nothing to do with having children. This has been clearly stated from the beginning of time apparently, or at least as long as I have known them. Her older son doesn't date much. He is a little stubborn and set in his ways and just hasn't quite found the right woman who can keep him in line. I think this might take awhile for him. That leaves my husband. He is the one that is supposed to provide the grandchildren. Even his brother and sister agree. A family joke that was started before I entered the picture.

So now I find myself feeling the guilt of not being able to give my MIL grandchildren. Is this wierd? I understand the guilt of not being able to give my husband children, but my MIL not getting grandchildren? Where did this come from? Now she is going to see new baby F all the time and while he is practically part of the family, he's not her grandbaby. I should clarify that nothing has ever been said to me about my role in providing grandchildren, or when we are going to have them, or even if we are going to have them. The joke simply points out that it is up to my husband to provide the grandchildren. Now he may not be able to and it is all my fault. And we won't know if he is able to for at least 2 years (though I am shooting for a conversation with the docs in 18 months). I don't need this guilt. This SELF-IMPOSED guilt. I'm doing enough of it already and now I feel like I'm failing my MIL in addition to my family. (Yes, I have perfectionist issues.) She is such a wonderful woman, so loving and giving and kind, that I just can't bear the thought of disappointing her, too. I can't bear the thought of her having to accept that the only grandchildren she is going to have belong to someone who is not her child.

This whole Lupus thing just keeps getting more and more difficult. I keep thinking that the more I read and learn and study, the easier this would get. Nope. Just harder. Some days I just want crawl back under the covers and pretend I'm not sick. But then I look at the clock and realize that it is time to my medications, or visit the vampires at the lab for my bloodwork, or reapply the suncreen even though I am wearing long sleeves and a hat. Nope. No pretending it doesn't exist. Until next time....



Take care of you.

Nicky