The Search For My New Normal

It has been exactly three months (less 3 days) since I was given my Lupus diagnosis. And it has been exactly 2 months since I was given my Stage 4 Lupus Nephritis diagnosis. What a crazy, mixed up whirlwind of a ride this has been. I went from taking no medications (except birth control and the occasional Tylenol) to a daily regimine of 9 medications and supplements for a total of 16 pills plus the as needed pain, sleeping and anxiety medications. I went from seeing my personal doctor once a year to monthly appointments with the Rheumatologist, the Nephrologist, and the Blood Lab. I went from being the Eternal Volunteer and willing to help anyone do anything to desperately learning how to prioritize what is important and learning to say "no" to that which is not. I went from having spent no time in the hospital, outside of the birth of my two babies, to three visits to the Emergency Room and a 19 day stay that I'm still not sure I have totally recovered from in a 4 month period. I went from making plans for the future with my new husband to wondering if I will be able to follow through on my side of those plans and learning to deal with the guilt of not being able to give him what I said I could and what I know he wants. I went from "go, go, go" to "go, stop, stop". My life as I know it has changed in so many ways.

I have always believed that God gave us 24 hours in a day and that we should use every one of them to the fullest. I have been "involved" and the "eternal volunteer" for as long as I can remember. It is just something that I enjoy doing. Now I must learn to stop. Now I must learn to say no. Now I must learn to determine what it is that brings me the most joy and focus my attention, and more importantly, my energy (what little of it I have) there. This is not easy. This is actually very difficult. There are so many things that bring me joy and that I enjoy doing that trying to figure out which one goes at the top of the list, or even near the top of the list, is hard. I'm feeling guilty. Guilt is not a good thing. I'm feeling frustrated. I'm feeling confused. I'm feeling tired. I'm feeling in pain. Did I mention I'm feeling guilty? Guilty about many different things. My life as I know has changed in so many ways.

This is my journey. My journey to find that which is my normal. Because my normal as I knew it for 34 years is gone. I must now learn new breaking points. I must now learn to recognize the signals my body is sending me much better than I ever did before. I must learn to be in control of my life and my body much better than I ever did before. I must learn to say no and learn to stop. I must learn what is important to my heart and not my head. My life as I know it has changed in so many ways.