Baby, Baby, Baby

So I admit it. This whole baby thing has got me. I thought I was OK with it. I thought I was fine with waiting but I'm not. At least not for the next few days. My body is getting ready to remind me that I am not pregnant and I am taking it really, really hard. In the grand scheme of my plan this was when we were supposed to start talking about it. The timing in my head worked perfectly and now that is all screwed up. We haven't talked much about it, my husband and I. I mentioned it once when I first came home from the hospital and he just said it wasn't a big deal. I promised him that someday, somehow I would make it happen and he told me not to worry about it. But he's like that. He just lets things roll. Most of the time I think I can read him, but I have to admit that when it comes to my being sick, it is a little harder. He seems to put on the bigger front, maybe for me. I admit, it is really really sweet. But sometimes I wish he would just tell me what he is really feeling or thinking. Sometimes I feel really, really alone which I know I shouldn't because he does so much for me. In the most simplest of terms, he spoils me. So it makes me feel guilty. I hate that guilty feeling. I'm feeling so much of it lately. It is about to drive me out of my mind. Guilt about not getting pregnant. Guilt about the way the medications are making my body look. Guilt about the way my disease is changing our lifestyle. Guilt about what I am able and not able to do around the house. Guilt about having to spend money on medications and dr.'s appointments. Guilt about how all of this is going to change our plans for the future. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.